


Phone Etiquette

by delinquentdee



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternative Universe - No Island, F/M, Fluff, Humor is the goal, Thea is the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22013380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delinquentdee/pseuds/delinquentdee
Summary: Venting to a friend is a great form of stress relief... unless you're Felicity Smoak.
Relationships: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak
Comments: 32
Kudos: 171





	Phone Etiquette

Breakfast. The most important meal of the day... Supposedly. Or was it just a marketing campaign from Kellogg’s in the 40s? Regardless of the conflicting findings of metabolic researchers and dieticians, most scientists would agree that a belly full of hot cocoa and donuts is not the greatest way to start the morning- especially if it sparks a nausea. Felicity Smoak was unfortunate enough to feel sick to her stomach following her self-induced chocolate overload. It would horrify a teenaged version of herself to know that one day in her late 20s, she would only be able to handle chocolate with the aid of an antacid. The true mark of adulthood. 

It took some digging through her purse before Felicity realized she had been making terrible decisions lately. Impulse buys. New addicting app downloads. Even looking up ex boyfriends on social media. It was a spiral of poor decision making. With each choice, she had the decency to do some reflection before acting. Unfortunately, she still ended up deciding wrong. And it was all her best friend’s fault.

Was it mature to blame an innocent party? No. Was it the mark of a well adjusted person to expect a best friend to stop you from being stupid ALL THE TIME? No. Was Felicity going to do it anyway? According to the ringing phone now connected through the speakers of Felicity’s car, that was exactly what she was going to do. 

It only took a half a ring before the culprit picked up. Unsurprising for the phone addicted Thea Queen. 

“HelloO ° ,” she belted out, sounding as if she were in a Mrs. Doubtfire sound-alike competition. 

“When are you coming back,” Felicity asked. Straight to the point and direct. Out of character for Felicity, but it was urgent. She needed to know how long before her bad decision making would be forcibly stopped. 

“Ah, another one of my adoring fans craving my company. Go on. Tell me how much I’m missed. But wait a second. I need to record this for posterity.” There was tapping and clicking going on in the background. 

Felicity frowned. “I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not, and honestly I’m a little concerned. You know who this is, right?”

Thea giggled as if she were innocent of any Felicity related crimes. “Judging by the ringtone, caller ID, the fact that I haven’t heard from you in a while, and your actual voice, I’m guessing this is Felicity Megan Smoak. I do consider you a big fan though.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Felicity moaned. “I have a lot going on and now you’ve jumbled it up. You’re in trouble. Big time. But before we get to that, now I’m forced to ask about my ringtone. That’s still a thing?” She continued digging in her bag filled with other smaller bags searching for Pepto Bismol

“I’m glad you’re venturing out past vibrating notification tones, I really am, but what am I in trouble for? This may shock you, Felicity, but I actually would like to get to that first.”

“I’ve been up to no good, and since there is no Mercury in retrograde at the moment, it must be because you aren’t around to stop me. So you are in trouble. With me. But it’s not important at the minute. I’m more concerned with what my ringtone is. And finding Pepto.”

Thea gasped. “Did you eat at that shitty diner we vowed to never even look at? How fucked up are you without me?”

Felicity finally found the stupid pink bottle and swallowed the two dry pills while Thea derailed their already detoured conversation.

Taking a mental note of the time, Felicity sighed. “I don’t hate myself enough to set foot in that diner. But if you don’t come home soon, I can’t guarantee that I will avoid it.” 

“Here I am, taking part in a ceremony that celebrates love, and yet my best friend wants to ruin it, threatening me with her diarrhea.” Thea had the nerve to laugh at her own joke. 

With a sign, Felicity was ready to unload. “I downloaded DripDrop.” 

Concern flooded through the line in the form of six seconds of silence. “Like, the kids’ app?” Thea was confused.

“Yes. But no. There’s adults on there. Normal, uncreepy adults who are funny. And some funny teenagers too. Like, college kids in their dorms making- if I do say so myself- some quality content.” Felicity was just on the edge of desperate for Thea to understand.

“Wait, this is the shit you’re blaming me for?”

“I had nothing else to do. No Thea keeping me occupied and entertained, and now I’m addicted to a stupid app. And I find funny stuff to share with you so we can laugh together, but you don’t have the app so I’m alone liking these videos and I’ve never felt so desolate.”

“So I’ll get the app. Problem solved. Next.” 

Felicity imagined Thea waving her off. Like all of Felicity’s problems were just exaggerations brought on by the feeling of abandonment. Pshh. Like that’s a thing.

Thea wasn’t understanding the severity of the situation. Time to ramp things up. 

“I bought a weighted blanket, Thea!” Felicity could practically see the calibration that was going through Thea’s mind. And yes, maybe it required some more background information. “I know I’ve been talking about getting one and I finally did. But now, I can’t wake up in the morning because I am too comfortable!”

Thea gave a little laugh before responding, but she must’ve been drinking something because it was a little bit deeper than normal.

“Babe,” Thea said gently, “You know how...um, spoiled you sound, right?” 

“Hearing it out loud, yes. I do understand that. But I’m going to stick by it because it’s so  _ so _ painful to wake up. Physically painful. My eyelids fight with me. And then after I finally get control of my eyes, I get winded from pushing a twenty pound blanket off of myself at five in the morning.” Felicity ran her hand over her bicep that she was sure was going to grow soon. 

“I empathize. I have a living breathing weighted blanket that I fight with every morning. He’s called Roy.” 

“That brings me to my third bad decision. I was looking up my exes on social media!”

“Dude, WHY?!” 

So that’s what it took to get a response from Thea. Honestly, it was the mark of a good friend, and Felicity was flattered.

“The stupid app had a video that was talking about a parallel universe where at 30 if you didn’t have a significant other being forced to pick one of your exes.”

“Felicity, before jumping into that fire, maybe, I don’t know, CONSIDER THAT IT’S NOT REAL! Nobody is forcing you to do that. It was a sci-fi nightmare what they were describing, not an official decree.”

“Okay, with all due respect, I didn’t take it seriously. This was not me trying to venture into any of those viper pits. I was just trying to rank my best option for hypothetical purposes. While I can admit to being stupid, I do still have more than two brain cells.” 

Thea scoffed. “That’s a slippery slope and it sounds like you have latex skis on.”

“Get ready for this one,” Felicity said with a smile. “My best option is still in his ska band.” 

“You’re not,” Thea said flatly. “I don’t care if he has a heart of gold and a cock of steel, I refuse.” 

Felicity snorted, not hearing the masculine grunt in the background. “If he had either of those i wouldn’t have had to take 3 hours wracking my brain for a decent ex. Those are things you remember.”

“You’re talking, but all I hear is the checkered black and white dresses you would force on me,” Thea shrieked. “Why is a pattern so loud?”

Felicity giggled with unbridled glee. The dresses Thea was imagining would surely keep the fashion obsessed heiress up with night terrors. “The Olympic Record for Long Jump has just been made by Thea Queen, ladies and gentlemen. I only mentioned that of all my exes, Greg is the best option. Suddenly we’re getting married, you’re in my bridal party,  _ and _ I included his love of ska in our ceremony?”

“If I’m not the maid of honor at this shit show, Mrs. Greg Ska,” Thea left the threat hanging.

“His poor friends and family would have to tell the story of how the maid of honor was the one to object to our union.”

Thea gasped as though the thought never entered her mind. “I would never! That’s what Tommy is for. And Roy would be our getaway driver.”

“Will a script be provided, or will I just improvise with whatever Tommy says?” Felicity shook her head. “No wait, this was my choice. As much as being forced to marry an ex before you’re 30 is a choice anyway.”

“Hey, here’s a crazy idea,” Thea’s sarcasm could punch its way through the phone. “Instead of worrying about marrying an idiot you already deemed not worthy of your time, why don’t you sign up for a dating site instead like a normal person?” 

Felicity couldn’t help the blasting laugh she blared into the microphone. “You just unlocked a wine fueled memory.”

“Fishing for men while intoxicated on your couch too? This must be one hell of a rough week you’ve got going on Smoak.”

“Yeah. I was progressively seeing double while filling out all the questions, but getting more and more into it. When I got to the end, I was just vibing-”

“Vibing?” Thea interjected.

“And really just being positive about the whole thing,” Felicity continued, “so I submitted. Then ten minutes later I get a match and nearly threw the laptop away.”

“I’m intrigued. No amount of alcohol or scumbag match could turn you into an electronics abuser.”

“Yeah, well. There I was, pouring my drunken heart out in a survey and the algorithm had the nerve to hit me with a catfish.”

“Boo,” Thea jeered. “But what busted site did you go to that would give you obvious trash?”

Felicity groaned. “Arrow! I thought it looked legitimate, but it never dealt with my luck, obviously. You spend years and thousands of dollars learning to respect the algorithm and it only ends up pairing me off with a dude catfishing. And catfishing as your brother nonetheless!”

“My brother,” Thea squeaked.

“Yeah.”

“Oliver?”

“Had his name, Starling, and a shitty picture in the profile. I didn’t stick around to read any more. I closed the tab, hit the rest of the bottle and went to bed. I meant to go back on and trace it. Ruin some credit. Cause some hijinks, you know? But I must’ve just repressed the whole thing. If I wasn’t vibing so hard before it, maybe I wouldn’t have been so upset.”

Felicity continued as though Thea was still listening. She was completely unaware that somewhere not to far away, a tense Oliver Queen was in his car, sitting next to his sister, trying at all costs to avoid her gaze. 

“But I’ll take care of it, you know I will. It will be a swift retaliation. ‘Boom, and I’m done’ kind of thing.”

Oliver cleared his throat. “While I can’t argue against seeking justice for catfishing, I just ask that you’re sure it’s not my account before you tank the credit score.”

Felicity nearly drove her own car off the road. “Who is this?” She asked, knowing fully well who that familiar voice belonged to and that Thea Queen was a speakerphone nightmare of a best friend.

“It’s Oliver, Felicity,” he said in a stupidly ridiculous gruff tone. “And I do have a profile on Arrow, as a matter of fact.”

Felicity might have muttered, “Cool,” but she felt not an ounce cool, chill, or composed. She had a death grip on her steering wheel, nodding as though it was a cure for the silence over the line. 

She and Oliver had a complicated relationship. Complicated as in nearly non-existent. And relationship as in they are associated to each other through mutual beings and occasionally talk at parties. Of course Felicity had a  _ thing _ for Oliver. He was gorgeous. And sweet. And went out of his way to swipe canapés for her at social events. But that was as far as it went. Occasionally, when he was looking particularly delectable, Felicity would subject him to epic inappropriate babbling. He was always patient and kind. Sometimes she thought he might even be checking her out, but brief glimpses were as far as it went. Well that, and the occasional dream that she never told a soul about for fear that her best friend would disown her for lusting after Oliver. So, the usual. 

It became clear that the Queen siblings weren’t going to be the ones breaking the dead air.

“Well. I will have to look into the potential profile caper and take care of that. In the meantime, Thea, maybe you can work on phone etiquette as in informing people when they’re on speaker and other shit that most people innately know.” Felicity was void of any acerbity with her jab at Thea, but there was enough stress to let her best friend know that she was embarrassed and flustered.

“So, yeah,” Felicity floundered out. “I’ll see you when you get home and uh. Safe travels. Both of you.”

“Wait!” Oliver said with just enough desperation to make Thea’s perfectly groomed eyebrows jump into her hairline.

“What?” Felicity responded, mirroring his panic.

“What if the profile is mine?”

Felicity gave a nervous laugh. “I’ll be super careful to make sure I only remove the fake one. I’m a hacking god.”

“And I don’t doubt that,” Oliver said, smile evident in his voice. “But if the profile that matched with yours was mine, what then?”

“You don’t have to delete it or anything. I’ll just delete my account and redo it. Sober this time, and it shouldn’t match us again.” Felicity was desperately trying to reassure him that he didn’t have to worry about her attention. What she didn’t realize was how desperately he wanted it.

He chuckled at her insistence. “But you were vibing” 

“Again with the fucking vibing,” Thea whispered to herself.

“I wine vibe a lot. Not to the point where I can’t function. Well technically I can’t function enough to operate a car or other heavy machinery. But I was trying to say that I like to get a little wine drunk at home in a non-addicitng way every once in awhile. So I will live to vibe again.” She took a deep breath. “You know, I’ve been using that word a lot but I’m not entirely sure I’m using it correctly, and looking it up on Urban Dictionary will make me feel like a dinosaur at this point.”

“I was really hopeful about Arrow.” Oliver said hopefully.

“And you should be!” Felicity’s enthusiasm was a treat. “It’s listed as the most successful dating site on the market. No need to worry. You’ll get matches. I mean, of course you will, duh.

“Answering the questions was surprisingly easy and fun.” 

Thea couldn’t believe what was coming out of her brother’s mouth. Who was this emotional feeling monster who was quite obviously trying to put the moves on her oblivious best friend?

“I know,” Felicity agreed. “Hence the vibing and subsequent disappointment.”

Oliver laughed again. “I can’t help but feel like  _ I’m _ the disappointment, Felicity.”

“In what world are you  _ not _ a catch?” 

Thea was forced to hear this bullshit while trapped in her brother’s car on HER PHONE. Was nothing sacred?

“So if the account is mine, you’ll be..” Oliver waited for more of those compliments Felicity was dishing out.

“Not hacking you?” Felicity asked, confused as to why he was still stuck on the idea that she would accidently send him on the no-fly list.

“I’m trying to ask you out, Felicity.” He was open and clear, and just a touch desperate.

“Oh.” Was all Felicity could reply. It wasn’t every day her phone calls got hijacked by men asking her on a date.

Thea rolled her eyes with enough force to launch a spaceship..“Why don’t we spare me the nausea and you two just agree to go out tonight. Provided that you’re feeling better from whatever had you popping Peptos before.”

“I’m great! Fine. Fantastic. Perfect!” Felicity exclaimed.

“We’ll be home soon, so how about a reservation at 6 for Nico’s. You both like Italian.”

Oliver pinched her cheek in the most annoyingly thankful brother way. He really shouldn’t have the need for a little sister wingman, and yet there they were.

“But, I’m not even home yet.” Felicity argued, “And it might take time to track the profile that I match-”

Thea smacked her head against the window. “Enough with the stupid site. It seems like you two just  _ vibe _ together. And the profile was probably his. I bet he crossed his fingers, spun around three times and whispered your name before he pressed enter.”

“You’re such a brat!” They had the audacity to say it in harmony.

“Kill me now,” Thea exhaled slowly while they arranged details for the evening.

If you make a woman listen to her brother openly flirt with your best friend, you can’t count on the way she’ll react. She may just let things slip that she tried hard to not notice in the first place.

“He likes that purple dress of yours, by the way.” 

Felicity’s only response was a giggle, while her brother gave her a death glare.

“I’ll see you at 6 then. I’ll be the one in the purple dress,” Felicity said coyly. 

Oliver grinned like the dope he one hundred percent was. “I can’t wait.”

Thea reclined her seat and rubbed her eyes dramatically. “I honestly can’t tell if I prefer this, or Greg and his ska wedding.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was just a personal challenge to get something, ANYTHING, out before 2020. I had the idea that Felicity dated a guy in a ska band and ended up here? Shoutout to ska, btw. You get a bad rap, but have always gotten me pumped up. 
> 
> All the best in the new year! Thanks for reading!


End file.
